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May 28, 2006
Birthday blues
Yip, it has to be my birthday month. These are the reasons:
1. I feel crap
2. The weather is crap
3. Work is crap
4. My social life is crap (okay, that seems to be all year round, but I'll blame May anyway)
5. I make up crappy lists
One up side to Crap-month (I'm going to write to the Gregorian Monks to get May renamed to that) is that my long-lost friends do seem to poke me more often, although after my birthday, they tend to dissapate again. With the whole crappy month of May thing, I lose interest in most things, especially my reading. I think I may read for the rest of the evening, although I do have some serious catching up to do with my monk ;) I think my alternate gaming universe must take a break for a while, and I should bring myself back to the sad reality that is my real life. My mom's family should be over soon, and that should be fun. TT this year may just resemble some form of festivitiness (I made up that word, could you tell?).
So, I have already received an early birthday present, and to be quite honest, I am a bit disappointed. I got nice FFXI gear, however, it was so nice, I fear everything else on my birthday will be a let down :) I have been trying it out, and it is rather good, plus I look cool. Who says you can't look good on the job. Enough of the game talk though, I have more important things to do, like dance around the room to the Turtles, with blue eyeshadow on (don't ask!). Happy Monday off to all those who are lucky enough to have tomorrow off, or like me in the UK, have a public holiday ><
Posted by kat at 6:30 PM | Comments (2)
May 25, 2006
California Dreaming
I think I run off solar power. Today was great, I was in a good mood, didn't feel like snapping at anyone, and I am still feeling peaky at this late hour of 20:19. The only difference between today, and yesterday? The sun was shining the whole day. Fanatastic, summer must be on its way. I have just baked 50 (-2 'cos of Drew and Leslie) cupcakes for a charity event tomorrow. Apparently some kids in India need school. See, my cupcakes do bring world peace....and eductaion to the less fortunate ^^
I am being forced to go out tomorrow night, which I am not looking forward to. Being dragged around with some drunken sluts, who cheat on their boyfriends, significant others, fathers of the children, whilst I sit in the corner being confronted by mindless guys, with very little to say that is of any interest to me, is not my idea of fun. I may sneak off with some other people to see their friends play a gig somewhere...far more fun. I like live music, and it will save me flashing my New Scientist to any lurking guy who even thinks of appraoching me, and asking me if I "go out here much". The New Scientist kind of gives them a hint that I'm total geek, who doesn't find idol chit chat particularly enthralling. I may sound like a snob, but all I'm asking for is some decent conversation. To be honest, I would much rather be at home playing FFXI, with friends I actually WANT to speak to....how anti-social, I know, but at least I'm happy :)
Have a good Friday.....6 days 'til D..I mean B-day.
Posted by kat at 8:18 PM | Comments (0)
May 21, 2006
Don't want to lose that Sunday feeling
Or maybe I do. I'm really tired, and I'm going to hit the sack. Once again, a very uproductive real life weekend, but I managed to get in about 25 hours of game time ><
I got my war to 24 1/2, and my mnk to 40 1/5, and will be playing even more next weekend. After that, I shall be taking a break, as I really have been playing far to much that I think it may be affecting real life things, like just existing. Plus TT is coming up, so I need some time to drool over the bikes, and spend time with the family. I'll only play in the evenings from after TT, because I get nothing done during the days, and I feel really guilty with Les doing everything. I should be bringing them snacks and food!
The inevitable dark gray cloud is looming again. Hopefully it should pass in a fortnight, ready for me to enjoy the summer. All and all, hope eveyone has a good week. I'm off to the theatre soon ^^ I do <3 the theatre.
Posted by kat at 9:36 PM | Comments (0)
May 18, 2006
From another planet
Does anyone else feel like they don't belong in this world, that they are missing the point? I find it incredibly hard to conform all the time, to fit into how other people think I should act. I try be myslf as much as possible, but constantly feel like everyont is pointing and laughing, and not in the good way. I don't mind acting like a fool, but when people judge you for being your "normal" self, then it hurts.
My grant forms came through today, and I made a start at filling them in. I'm very nervous and have been unable to eat most of the week (which people at work are bugging me about, but it's something I can't help) due the butterflies of doom that are launching an attack on my stomach at the moment. I can't post them until I get my passport back from the government though (the renewal one....I'm not being detained!). Hopefully my misery will be over in the next month.
On a less serious note, I saw the funniest thing today (well at least as funny as today will get). Some fate lady's maroon skirt blew over her head, and no one else saw it except me. My own private showing, lucky me. She had dimples and all ><
Posted by kat at 8:17 PM | Comments (0)
May 15, 2006
Wishlist
Now would be a good time to put out my wishlist for all things fun and birthday-y. To be honest, I don't want any material things, just a simple "Hippo Birdy" will do (that's "happy birthday" to all those normal people out there). So here it goes, in no particular order:
1. World peace
2. Love, happiness and bunnies to all
3. A gallery that works
4. A new moleskine diary as I spilt coke all over mine and it is a nice brown shade and is falling apart.
5. A digital camera to take photos which I can put in my new gallery
6. Any level 40 monk gear would be nice too :)
7. A cupcake
8. A balloon
9. A hug from all my friends and family who I am sorely missing
10. And lastly, a sunny day
Not asking too much really, maybe the cupcake is a bit excessive. That's if I'll be able to eat it. Having trouble eating again, which is a pain, as I really do want to eat, but my stomach does not want me to :(
Posted by kat at 6:52 PM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2006
Endless worries
I wonder if I have a genetic disposition to endlessly worry about things, or whether it's something that I have conditioned myself to do in order to get things done. Either way, I am incredibly worries about something at the moment, and I have no idea why, or what it is for that matter. My heart races in my throat, and I lose my appetite. It feels like a mixture of extreme fear and excitement, like when you've reached the top of a roller coaster, and you know you're about to drop a fair bit, and the anticipation of your stomach hurtling upward is overwhelming. It's an odd feeling, one I wonder if anyone else feels.
Monday tomorrow, which means:
1. 6am start
2. Lots of work
3. Kickboxing.......
My body is hurting just thinking about it. For those interested in FFXI, my brother finally beat Maat, with a new record, so his level restriction has been removed and he can take his character to 75. /Cheer. I, however, have a long way to go. I levelled 4 times this weekend, which is a good start. Next weekend will be all work and no play. No dilly dallying, standing around LFP. Pure graft on the fighting front.
Have a good Monday
Posted by kat at 8:27 PM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2006
Update
A long week, but I got through it alive. I have the added pleasure of semi-, no quasi-working tomorrow. I volunteered, so it's my own fault. Today didn't start off too well, as when I turned the corner to exit from our drive, I was greeted by a rather stiff cat that someone quite obviously knocked down last night. At least they had the decency to put him in the drive, that or the cat pulled itself off the road-an image I would much rather not think about. It put a bit of a damper on my mood, but I managed to get through the day okay. The lambs in the fields seemed to cheer me up a bit during the ride into work.
A good thing happened at work as well, something that has changed my outlook on the workplace. Things seem to be going smoother amongst some of the people I had "issues" with, and everyone seems to be pulling their weight. I also had a one-to-one with my manager and told her of my plans to leave for uni in September. She said she hopes the government don't fund me, as she wouldn't want to see me leave. I hope she doesn't hope too hard.
Going to settle down in bed, and read a little. Tomorrow I'm up early helping out at an event we are sponsoring, and I hope to be levelling my monk into the early hours of Sunday morning!
Posted by kat at 9:52 PM | Comments (0)
May 7, 2006
Profoundness
It has only dawned upon me that people actually may read this blog t. It's not a diary as such, but it is a means of escape of my emotions, and thoughts at the time I put ink to paper (or finger to keyboard). Some of the things that I write, I don't dare tell people, and so the thought of other people reading this and judging me seems rather daunting (if daunting could be used in that sense). Yes, I use it as a way to communicate to my friends around the world, but the fact that lately my blog has become somewhat of a way to vent the thoughts I cannot tell people without a second thought of who may be reading it, does scare me that little bit. Funny how I can bare all to the world online, but struggle to communicate with friends and family face-to-face.
I think I should stop being profound and say screw it. If people are going to read it, they'd want entertainment, not an update of how crap I'm feeling, right?
Posted by kat at 8:44 PM | Comments (1)
May 6, 2006
Pain is good
Now I'm not some sort of sadist, but I am trying to embrace the pain I am in. I went kickboxing on Monday, and even though the instructor thinks I show promise, I can't help think that I may never, ever do anything like that to myself ever ever again. I could not get out of bed on Tuesday morning, Wednesday was no better. It felt so good punching and kicking the crap out of some once-living cow filled with sand and beans and what ever the put in there, that I may just try this agonising thing again.
Work was no better, but the glimmer of hope that I have, that little light at the end of the tunnel that is university in September, is getting me through these weeks. I shall plod along, and put my all into my work as I always do, but once I get the all ok with my grant, I'm going to play like the other kids play. I'll come in at 8:55 and leave at 17:00. I will take my full lunch hour, and fob off my responsibilties to eveyone else. I think it's only fair, seeing as people that report to me, get paid more than me, and still have the audacity to moan about how skint they are. These same people that come in at 8:55 and leave at 17:00. These same people that fob off their responsibilties to everyone else. It enrages me so much to see the injustice in the workplace. And I don't have the strength to stand up for myself. So I will simmer quietly until I leave and not confront anyone, and nobody will know any better.
I feel inadequate as a person. I am strong willed, but can never verbally voice my opinions. It is my weakness. I build up such frustration toward people, yet I can never tell them my concerns, until I self-destruct and end up harming myself all for the sake of not wanting to hurt peoples feelings, or inconvinience them. I'm a Gemini, the great communicator, yet I struggle to communicate. I feel it i the most important thing, the power of speach. It's what separates man from animals, yet sometimes I feel that animals have got it right. I feel speech has evolved way ahead of our minds, so that we have all the physical capability to communicate, yet not the mental capacity to do it well. Animals have no misunderstanding, nor do they have war, nor destruction, nor break-ups, nor fights, nor tears, nor emotional pain. I wonder if speech is a good thing. Am I inadequate as a person with my lack of communication skills, or am I the one who has got it right? Is the world better for confrontation?
This is possibly a question to deep for my understanding, for my questioning mind. I fear this entry may go on too long if I ask too many questions. Maybe the next one will be fun. I think I shall read my New Scientist and pray that it has some answer for me.
Posted by kat at 1:38 PM | Comments (0)