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May 6, 2006
Pain is good
Now I'm not some sort of sadist, but I am trying to embrace the pain I am in. I went kickboxing on Monday, and even though the instructor thinks I show promise, I can't help think that I may never, ever do anything like that to myself ever ever again. I could not get out of bed on Tuesday morning, Wednesday was no better. It felt so good punching and kicking the crap out of some once-living cow filled with sand and beans and what ever the put in there, that I may just try this agonising thing again.
Work was no better, but the glimmer of hope that I have, that little light at the end of the tunnel that is university in September, is getting me through these weeks. I shall plod along, and put my all into my work as I always do, but once I get the all ok with my grant, I'm going to play like the other kids play. I'll come in at 8:55 and leave at 17:00. I will take my full lunch hour, and fob off my responsibilties to eveyone else. I think it's only fair, seeing as people that report to me, get paid more than me, and still have the audacity to moan about how skint they are. These same people that come in at 8:55 and leave at 17:00. These same people that fob off their responsibilties to everyone else. It enrages me so much to see the injustice in the workplace. And I don't have the strength to stand up for myself. So I will simmer quietly until I leave and not confront anyone, and nobody will know any better.
I feel inadequate as a person. I am strong willed, but can never verbally voice my opinions. It is my weakness. I build up such frustration toward people, yet I can never tell them my concerns, until I self-destruct and end up harming myself all for the sake of not wanting to hurt peoples feelings, or inconvinience them. I'm a Gemini, the great communicator, yet I struggle to communicate. I feel it i the most important thing, the power of speach. It's what separates man from animals, yet sometimes I feel that animals have got it right. I feel speech has evolved way ahead of our minds, so that we have all the physical capability to communicate, yet not the mental capacity to do it well. Animals have no misunderstanding, nor do they have war, nor destruction, nor break-ups, nor fights, nor tears, nor emotional pain. I wonder if speech is a good thing. Am I inadequate as a person with my lack of communication skills, or am I the one who has got it right? Is the world better for confrontation?
This is possibly a question to deep for my understanding, for my questioning mind. I fear this entry may go on too long if I ask too many questions. Maybe the next one will be fun. I think I shall read my New Scientist and pray that it has some answer for me.
Posted by kat at May 6, 2006 1:38 PM
