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June 16, 2006
Tumult...what a great word
I wonder if people are born into the world to be alone. I believe I am one of those people. I am happiest when I'm by myself, life is simple. I don't have to deal with complex emotions. I don't have to watch what I say for fear of offending people, as it does not matter to me if I ever see them again. I do like the company of people, but I don't really like becoming attached. I could be quite content drifting in and out of peoples lives, and when my judgement day comes, and if people come to my funeral, I wouldn't be offended if no one can really recall who I really was.
I am one of those people with the barrier syndrome...you know the sort, never really allows anyone close enough, gets all cagey etc. Except, I'm quite happy doing that. Maybe I'm just selfish, I want to keep things going my way, so that I don't have to accomodate anyone else. Maybe it really is a defense system to prevent hurt and pain. I'm not a great risk taker when it comes to emotions, particularly because they are so volatile. I don't know if I should just go with what I feel is right, or actually try work on this emotional barrier thing. I have such poor judgement of things. Writing helps me express myself a damn site better than I can verbalise things, and although I know a few people read this to get updates because I'm crap at writing emails or picking up the phone (sorry you guys in ZA ><), and my family occasionally hop on, it's not like I'm talking to anyone.
Right now I am at a very confusing point in my life. i just wish someone could relate to how I feel right now. Every emotions is pulsing through me at the moment, and I can't explain it to anyone, let alone try share my feelings directly with people. Lately all I seem to talk about is how I feel, but it seems to get me nowhere. I hate imposing stupid "I feel sad" "I feel crap" "I feel like jumping off a high bridge" comments on the people willing to listen, because it isn't how i truly feel.
......and this is why the barrier option is easier. Out of sight, out of mind, don't have to deal with listening to silly person ranting on about what she thinks are serious issues in her life...there are millions dying out there, get it into perspective. I have been there with other people thinking "God, would they stop moaning about how bad their day has been...etc. etc.", and I know they are probably thinking the same. Suppose I could put on that o'l brave face again, and be the dork everyone expects me to be.
I think I'm going to study neuroscience so I can figure out how the Goddamn mind works, on a molecular level, of course.
Rant over...hopefully you won't see one of these in a long time
Posted by kat at June 16, 2006 6:25 PM
