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April 22, 2007
Profoundness
Every now and then I read back on my entries to remind me of who I am, but sometimes I just don't recognize the person who wrote the entries. I don't consider myself wise, nor profound, but i do tend to write about serious issues every now and then. This surprises me, as i think myself a pretty laid back, social creature, who doesn't take much seriously, but I suppose I really do take things to heart. I am passionate about things. For instance, Science. When I hear things like there will be cuts to funding due to frivolous things, I can get rather worked up about this.
I also value good morals and ethics, and so when I see lazy people taking advantage of people that work hard, I get irate. Recently someone told me about a friend that had been unjustly fired, with a feeble excuse, due to recent events in the States. This made me see red, and I could see the little devil that wants to stand up for something appear. I always laughed at people who protest outside Parliament, or outside Pharmaceutical companies, but I am seeing that protester in me more and more as the days go by. My views are becoming stronger, and I seem to be more argumentative against other's views. I don't think I am less tolerant of opposing views, I welcome the other side of the story as I like to weigh up the options, but I think in my old age (!?) I am less easily swayed.
Whether being less pliable is a good thing, I am yet to discover. All I know is that I am a much stronger person than I was a few years ago. I still have hardly any confidence in who I am, or my appearance, but I know what I believe in, and sometimes I am proud to let people know what my views are. I accept people may have different views, and that possibly they do not want to hear mine, but where's the fun in everyone agreeing?
Posted by kat at 1:08 PM | Comments (0)
April 15, 2007
I feel like flat eric....flat, not yellow
Things haven't been going according to plan lately, I do so hate it when that happens. I am a creature of lists, timetables and routines, and when these things get messed up, I get sad. I don't feel stressed for exams yet, and that is bothering me too. I just feel like something is missing, and I'm not sure what. My motivation is a bit not all there at the moment, I seem to forgetting things, and studying is not being as productive as usual. I'm getting the work done, but just not absorbing as much as I would like. I've been working towards exams for three weeks now, and I have three weeks to go until my first one.
I don't feel confident for these exams at all, and I seem to not be doing anything about it as other things are occupying my mind. I have to worry about getting a new place for next year, which is proving impossible, then there's a job for the summertime. I have been proactive and sent my CV everywhere, and for a student, it's pretty impressive, so I'm sure I'll get something closer to the time, and I have been looking for places daily, but there just doesn't seem to be anything suitable. I have to be in Edinburgh to view a place, which means only 5 weeks to find a place. There just seems to be so much I have to do, in so little time, and I suppose the pressure is getting to me. I love being stressed out, and running around like a madman, but I crack every now and then.
Yes mother, I am eating three times a day, and am taking my vitamins, and am exercising regularly to clear my mind, but I'm feeling knackered now. I think there is a distinct lack of chocolate in my diet at the moment. The whole trying to eat brain foods and be healthy bit never works for me. I always feel worse for it, and the lethargy and lack of energy doesn't help either, so my concentration is impaired, I feel rubbish, and go through major withdrawal of all those tasty preservatives (I love the headaches and ill feeling).
Apart from that, there's the constant worrying about those closest to me. I worry for no particular reason, and it keeps me up sometimes. Oh yes, and summer is approaching. The joy of waking up at 5am. Well, today I only woke up at 6am, so I suppose it isn't all that bad. I think it may be time to get out that fishing rod, and start some moat carp collecting on FFXI. Or I suppose I could try get some revision in. *sighs* I really want the holidays to start, but on the other hand I don't, because it'll mean I will be panicking about flats, and jobs and flying everywhere, and finding a place to store my stuff.
I just want things to go smoothly, but where would the fun in that be? I should go study some interesting, but not-so-interesting-to-write-about chemistry. Seriously, where are the cool facts? I have people to impress with my vast knowledge, and there is nothing amazing to tell them about. Like "Did you know, if you add water to an aldehyde, it becomes a hydrate, and if you add alcohol is becomes and hemiacetal, and if you add both it becomes an acetal?" Not riveting stuff, but the mechanisms are interesting enough.
Posted by kat at 11:38 PM | Comments (0)
April 10, 2007
super special awesomeness
Um...just a small request just to let me know in some way or form (I accept smoke signals, but no mirrors or morse code please) that you're read the entry below. It's like being at school again, "please sign the attendance here". It's just so if and when I feel like talking about the below, I won't be getting o_O faces. k thx bye.
Posted by kat at 2:12 PM | Comments (2)
April 3, 2007
Let's get serious for a moment
I’ve never been very good with talking about relationships. My worst fear growing up was the conversation between Aunts and Uncles and myself after many months/years of not seeing me. It went something along the lines of “Hello Girlie, how have you been? How is school? Do you have a boyfriend?” It was at this point that I would cringe. Regardless if I liked someone or not, I would automatically respond “No” to end the conversation there. I quite simply do not like talking about my feelings for other people, unless I am being very superficial. For example “Have you seen X lately?” response: “Oh my god, I love them, haven’t seen them in aaaaages!” That is the fake me. When I say I love something, I am being very much superficial and faking the whole being able to express my emotions thing*. The same goes for when I use the word “hate”.
Lately I have been feeling very down, as I have been unable to convey to those closest to me how happy I am at the moment (ironic, ne?). I have had up and down relationships with guys, but never spoken about them to people. On the rare occasions I would speak to Caroline about these kinds of things, but still felt very uncomfortable discussing them. It is strange, as I have finally found someone worth telling people about, but it seems to be the hardest thing on earth. It’s very complicated and not the most convenient of relationships, so it makes it all the more harder to tell people (but easier to hide I suppose). I have known him for years, but it has only been in the past nine months that we have become very close. He’s the first person I have been able to trust completely, aside from family, and I feel so guilty not telling anyone about it, as the way I feel about him is different from any others. He brings a smile to my face, gives me butterflies in my stomach, makes me feel I have purpose, has never said a negative word to me, makes me feel safe, has so much understanding, and I honestly believe he would give up the world for me. And I can’t even tell my family how wonderful he is.
What is hardest it that he doesn’t live on the same damned continent. I’m scared people will judge me for that, or compare me to my brother (who in all his amazingness +1 would be nice to compared to, but I would rather pick his intelligence over this). It weird when you build up a friendship over time, and suddenly something like this happens. The element of seriousness scares me sometimes, as hard as it is to admit. It has been tough on both of us, but we have been able to cope. I think that counts for something. I’ve been able to maintain a transatlantic relationship, get back into swimming, maintain a social life, get elected Treasurer for anime society (by default ><), and get straight A’s in school, go team Kat. I wouldn’t be able to have done it if he wasn’t so damned special. He gives me the freedom to go out when I need to, understands that my degree comes first, and always offers to help when I’m studying, which is not an easy thing to do when he is trying to figure stuff out in his life too.
I really don’t want people asking me questions about this, as I will just close up more. I’ll give that automatic “No!” response. If I want to talk about it I will, but please do not force the issue. I can’t speak to people about it, but writing is more comfortable, hence the public broadcast. I write better than I speak. Believe me, my markers know this all too well with my word counts hitting 1 word under the limit =D Lastly, Kyle, thank you for understanding how I felt about telling everyone. You’ve done so much for me, this is the least I could do in response. I wish things could be easier, but where would the fun in that be?
*Exceptions go for best friends and family, I do mean it when I say I love you guys.
Posted by kat at 4:00 PM | Comments (0)