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April 3, 2007
Let's get serious for a moment
I’ve never been very good with talking about relationships. My worst fear growing up was the conversation between Aunts and Uncles and myself after many months/years of not seeing me. It went something along the lines of “Hello Girlie, how have you been? How is school? Do you have a boyfriend?” It was at this point that I would cringe. Regardless if I liked someone or not, I would automatically respond “No” to end the conversation there. I quite simply do not like talking about my feelings for other people, unless I am being very superficial. For example “Have you seen X lately?” response: “Oh my god, I love them, haven’t seen them in aaaaages!” That is the fake me. When I say I love something, I am being very much superficial and faking the whole being able to express my emotions thing*. The same goes for when I use the word “hate”.
Lately I have been feeling very down, as I have been unable to convey to those closest to me how happy I am at the moment (ironic, ne?). I have had up and down relationships with guys, but never spoken about them to people. On the rare occasions I would speak to Caroline about these kinds of things, but still felt very uncomfortable discussing them. It is strange, as I have finally found someone worth telling people about, but it seems to be the hardest thing on earth. It’s very complicated and not the most convenient of relationships, so it makes it all the more harder to tell people (but easier to hide I suppose). I have known him for years, but it has only been in the past nine months that we have become very close. He’s the first person I have been able to trust completely, aside from family, and I feel so guilty not telling anyone about it, as the way I feel about him is different from any others. He brings a smile to my face, gives me butterflies in my stomach, makes me feel I have purpose, has never said a negative word to me, makes me feel safe, has so much understanding, and I honestly believe he would give up the world for me. And I can’t even tell my family how wonderful he is.
What is hardest it that he doesn’t live on the same damned continent. I’m scared people will judge me for that, or compare me to my brother (who in all his amazingness +1 would be nice to compared to, but I would rather pick his intelligence over this). It weird when you build up a friendship over time, and suddenly something like this happens. The element of seriousness scares me sometimes, as hard as it is to admit. It has been tough on both of us, but we have been able to cope. I think that counts for something. I’ve been able to maintain a transatlantic relationship, get back into swimming, maintain a social life, get elected Treasurer for anime society (by default ><), and get straight A’s in school, go team Kat. I wouldn’t be able to have done it if he wasn’t so damned special. He gives me the freedom to go out when I need to, understands that my degree comes first, and always offers to help when I’m studying, which is not an easy thing to do when he is trying to figure stuff out in his life too.
I really don’t want people asking me questions about this, as I will just close up more. I’ll give that automatic “No!” response. If I want to talk about it I will, but please do not force the issue. I can’t speak to people about it, but writing is more comfortable, hence the public broadcast. I write better than I speak. Believe me, my markers know this all too well with my word counts hitting 1 word under the limit =D Lastly, Kyle, thank you for understanding how I felt about telling everyone. You’ve done so much for me, this is the least I could do in response. I wish things could be easier, but where would the fun in that be?
*Exceptions go for best friends and family, I do mean it when I say I love you guys.
Posted by kat at April 3, 2007 4:00 PM
