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March 27, 2008
Visit it, build my population!
and
Yay \o/
Posted by kat at 4:07 PM | Comments (0)
March 24, 2008
Wha!
So, tomorrow night I have to go out with some friends >_> I have forgotten how to dress myself up, so I have decided to do some preparation, and have realised I have nothing to wear. Bearing in mind that my wardrobe consists or trackie pants, hoodies and tees, I really had not much choice. Add to that the fact that I had about 1kg allowance fro clothes after I had packed all my textbooks in my bag, and I have a choice of beige or navy sweatpants, and a few vest. Tres elegante. So...there is also the fact that I have to get the bus into town. For those who don't live in the countryside, this is a bigger feat than it sounds. First I have to walk 20 min in wild weather, possibly through mud, and avoid wolf whistling. Then I have to sit with the grannies and listen to war time stories while the bus comes. When it does arrive, usually late, I have to endure a 50 min stomach turning journey into town in a bus that smells like old people, sweat and pies. Tasty.
The weather really is bad at the moment too. The wind is whistling, and it's bitterly cold. As least the sun is shining, right? Anyway, kind of nervous meeting up with everyone. I haven't seen them in two years. TWO YEARS. Where has the time gone. It still feels like yesterday, mind, the island never really changes.
Right on cue for Easter, the sheeps have begun lambing. The fields are scattered with little white balls of wool, pronking up and down the mounds of hay and grass. Right now they are huddling under their mums, to keep from being blown away. I'm so lucky to have a front row seat for the show that is nature, however it does keep me from concentrating at the task at hand...i.e study. Not long to go now.
Anyway, viruses to study. Joy.
Posted by kat at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2008
What a difference some wine makes
Today has been crap.
I shall spare the details. Basically, everything went wrong. But all happiness has been restored with a glass of wine (or two) and some Groove Armada. Kyle is poorly sick at the mo', so he's been drinking hot toddies. I have come to the decision that television is a load of bollocks. It really is a pile of rubbish, even with a wide array of channels
I don't have much else going on in my head, the wine has numbed it.
Seacrest out
Posted by kat at 8:04 PM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2008
It's a beautiful day
Today was such a lovely day, and an unproductive one at the same time. The weather was beautiful, nice and balmy with lovely sunshine. Stuffed my face with onigiri (x2), miso soup, tekka maki, and tempura eel maki, before trundling back home for a sleep. A friend handed in his dissertation today, so to mourn the loss of his 10,000 word baby, we drowned our sorrows in Bonsai goodness. If that place ever closes down, I will die a slow and painful death inside.
Got 92% for my in course problem (the "ass" problem, as Ula and I dubbed it, as historically they have name assessed problems). Well chuffed, as I worked hard on it, so it's good to reap the rewards. I had a nice chat with a tutor today, who is a researcher for some genetics project, and she was chatting to me about future courses for third and fourth year. The conversation went along the lines of:
Tutor: Have you decided your courses choices?
Me: I knew before I enrolled here (lols)
Tutor: That's good, what honours are you aiming for?
Me: Biochem of Molecular Bio
T: Aah, my husband is a biochemist
Me: *thinks to self...what...there are people out there that do biochem and not genetics!*
T: It's a different way of thinking. The analytical side etc...
Me: I know, that's why I like it. I mean I like genetics (I was in the genetics tutorial), but it's....
T: Just not you? I understand, my husband cannot accept an explanation that this happens because of that, he needs to know the interactions at a molecular and atomic level. Just that a protein binds, doesn't explain anything, he wants to know the interactions.
Me: Exactly! *glees to self as a geneticist, of all people, actually understands me*
So, feeling a bit more focussed and happy with myself at the moment school wise. Did bugger all today study wise though =( I managed a page and a half out of four. Maybe I'll trundle along with it, and finish it tomorrow night when I arrive island side.
More positivity ("What!?" I hear you exclaim "Has she had too much sugar again, been hitting the bubbly goodness of cola, did she get hit on the head!?" - Nay, I say, I just get happy when things go well for me in the science world) - I was looking up careers, partly for Kyle, and stumbled upon a very interesting career prospect. A few months ago I was reading up on Clinical scientists, and it seemed you had to do a specific degree, pretty much not what I was doing. This left me somewhat disappointed, as the job profile really sounds like exactly what I want to do on a day to day basis. No research involved (thank the Lord Almighty), and completely analytical. I heart analysing. Anyway, I read up on it, and it looks like they have a trainee scheme. So, with this is mind, my future looks as follows:
2008 - Second/Third year
2009 - Third/Fourth year
2010 - Fourth year, Sept - begin MSc in Drug Discovery (I need something to keep me occupied, lol) Nov - apply for trainee position
2011 - If accepted, study and work as Trainee Clinical Scientist, and get second MSc
If I don't get accepted, I alway have drug discovery to fall back on. Isn't life just dandy =D Those who know me well enough, know that I like to plan things. It makes me feel complete, and like there is no uncertainty. I do acknowledge that things don't always go as planned, but it does give me that little glimmer of hope to hold on to.
I had a discussion with someone (and this just proves my craziness), how I would do a PhD for fun. I enjoy studying, I love learning. It is my passion, and if I had all the money in the world, I would study forever. I don't want to go into research, so the only motive to do a PhD is for fun. An MSc makes sense, it gives me experience, gives me a 1-up (I know it isn't like that, but I though I'd bring in some geekness) on the other graduates, and if I'm not going into research, it doesn't really matter. I've been looking at a few companies, looking at the graduate schemes, seeing what I need to do now to get the upperhand.
Anyway, one Kyle has arrived back home, and that is my cue to get off the internets!
Posted by kat at 11:30 AM | Comments (0)
March 16, 2008
Things I have learned
Things I have learned over a 24 hour period:
Conventions are not win, and make me very sleepy.
I use my right hand thumb a lot.
Nue is a stingy bastard, who does not like dropping his fang
Let us address there individually.
Minicon. More like sleepycon. I was left all by my lonesome in a cold dingy room, aka "registration", where I had the odd pleasure of some form of human interaction every now and then. I was left to my own devices for about 4 hours, in which time I really needed food, water, and a decent conversation. Alas, there was none, so I studied (I managed to squeeze one lecture in before I actually left for the con!!). I got home around 5pm, and y 9:30 I was out for the count, solidly, until 6:40 this morning. It felt good to get an early night in, but I just didn't expect it to be on a Saturday night, heh.
Last night, while diligently washing dishes, my hand seemed to connect with the cheese grater. Not the little gratey bits, but the long one that cut slices. Yeah, slices out of my thumb. It managed to get right at the tip, where the nail starts. So, things I have realised I need my thumb for include, but are not limited to: writing notes, brushing my teeth, washing my face, playing with bubbles (never get those into a cut), braiding my hair, funnily enough not typing, making my bed, texting, and making tea.
Nue is a stingy bastard. 'Nuff said. Although I did get my Molbolger vine, win, and got Kyle's as well as only we knew the time of death. I shall try that jewish tiger in another hour and a half, and see if he's ready to part with his fang anytime soon.
Anyway, Sunday means study study study. Already done one lecture, only four more to go.
Posted by kat at 7:28 AM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2008
Another week, another....um...
So, Friday has come announced again, and the weekend will pass without me noticing again. Tonight shall not be fun, with all the organising for Minicon that is needed to be done, and tomorrow is the big day, so I shall be torn away from my beloved flat for the day. It will be the first weekend, in, um...a year, that I will leave the flat on the weekend, heh, it's going to taint me otherwise perfect unattendance record, booo.
So, the wisdom teeth are poking through again, and as a result, I have one side of my face swollen and sore, and the glands on my neck are tender and swollen. Oh the joys.
Anyway, off to the pub to go eat dessert. I made a lovely chicken and mushroom pie, and had some for lunch, so I reckon I can have dessert for dinner ;)
Have a good weekend
Posted by kat at 9:39 AM | Comments (0)
March 13, 2008
Squee
I had my third year meeting today about course choice etc, and I have chosen the following:
Semester 1
Structures and Functions of Proteins 3
Molecular Microbiology 3
Molecular Genetics 3
Semester 2
Developmental Biology 3
Molecular Cell Biology 3
Biotechnology 3
It looks oh so daunting and the coursework involved is stupid. Most course have coursework contribution of about 45%, I big jump from the 20-30% we have now. I'm going to miss putting all my eggs into the exam basket, it's my strong point =(
Oh well, back to studying mutations
Posted by kat at 1:51 PM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2008
Les Meh-serable
Today I have a free day. It is lovely, I get to wake up that little bit later and get lots done. Au contraire, no, a stuffy nose and banging headache will not let me have my lie in, and the freak 10 minute storm which meant the otherwise sunny day is suddenly turned into grey skies, blustering winds and pelting hailstone, will not let me get my shopping for our Minicon this weekend done in a pleasant fashion.
Speaking of which, Minicon. Every year our little anime clubs hosts a Mini-convention, with anime, games events, and even an art competition. Last year was fun, this year I am involved in preparation. U was up late last night making custom name pages, which was fun at first, but then you realise you have to resize everything and shift things just to the left, and the back to the right, then it looks like it's not straight, so you ended up deleting it after have a frustrated banging head against the keyboard session. Yes, Minicon...it is fun. I'll be having all the boys (and hopefully one girl will turn up) over to help prep for Saturday. It's going to be a long day, and I really don't feel like sitting in a cold room (as I did last year...yes...I paid to help out >_>) taking people's money and eating cold curly fries and flat coke. Wow, Saturday really is going to suck balls.
So, the sun is shining once again (well, of course it is, my life defies the laws of physics, but not the law of sod), and I'm resting my bleeding feet (note to self: never wear leopard print pumps when running errands) on my bed. All I need is a cup of tea and a dvd to make all the bad stuff go away...oh...and of course Kyle (whew...nice save there)!
Alas, I cannot have these things...well maybe the tea...because I have to crack on with the study and go to the bank to actually get signed on to the club's account, 1 year late, I may add.
Hope everyone else is having a slightly more fortunate day than I have had.
Happy Wednesday.
Posted by kat at 5:33 AM | Comments (0)
March 8, 2008
wash the day away
It's raining out, I like it. Rain washes away all the bad things, and I'm not talking about hobos. It brings life (although arguably, in excess, it can also bring death). I like it more when Kyle is here, and we have an excuse to waste away the day, but I've stopped thinking about how I can't have him here. I try to focus on the fact that i'm blessed even to have him in my life, and try to just get on with things.
It's almost Easter, which means the Lindt chocolate bunnies are out in force. It also means I'll be back at my mom's for a few weeks on study/Easter leave, which I am looking forward to. I'm so used to not having my family around, that when I do get to see them, it is a real treat. I will also get to see my beloved Georgie. I miss that cat. He is the dullest living thing around, but he knows when I'm sad, and knows to come keep me company. Plus, he's a good listener, heh.
I'm scared for the amount of work I am required to do next year. I don't mind work when it comes to going to lectures and assignments and such, but working on my own initiative, I'm not sure I have quite warmed up to the idea. I think I'm just tired. It's been a long, bumpy ride this year, and I need that fresh start of semester 1 again. I always seem to have the drive and energy and motivation for semester 1. By semester 2, I am bored and have no interest in doing work, as I know I have like 6 weeks between the semester finishing, and the exam starting.
It's a pain. I wish I had a never ending supply of energy. I probably would have if some annoying drunk kids didn't decide it would be a fun idea to buzz all the flats in the buildings at midnight. Bastard children. I hope they got lost on their way back home, and their mobiles fell out their pockets or something. No wait, these spoiled brats would probably have mummy and daddy buy them new phones. It's sickening how children don't have to face up to consequences in this country. Is it that the punishment is not enough, or is it that they are immune to it? Either way, I find the younger generations lack respect. I'm not talking for older people etc, just for others in general. I did some silly things when I was their age, but I tried not to inconvenience anyone. I saw this little kid and his mother walking in front of me on my way home yesterday. This kid turned around at me, growled, the proceeded to shake a metal building site fence (that was next to me and quite unstable), kick a can at me, and ram into the side of a car repeatedly, before getting in my way of where I was walking(so I just pushed him over and continued walking in my line). All the while his mother was calling his name at the front door of their house saying "Come dear, I have your dvd's here". I felt like telling the mother what I though of her parenting skills.
It was appalling. If children of age 4 or 5 are taught that this is acceptable behaviour, and even given the illusion that they are rewarded for it, no wonder we are in the state we are in. A slap on the wrist is no way to punish. The pain goes away after a few minutes, more drastic measures are needed. What ever happened to earning the good things in life. If you were good, you got nice things, if you were bad, you were punished. Good behaviour is not rewarded, and bad behaviour is not punished. How are kids to learn. I blame parenting. This is an argument that as been going on for ages. Unfortunately, with rising costs, both parents are forced to work. I was fortunate that I had my mother to nurture me through those critical years. Kids don't have that these days. Most households have both partners working. Who's to teach the kids morals? Children don't go to church anymore either. I'm not religious, but I'm glad I went to Sunday School every week, because I learned valuable lessons there. I don't believe in god, but I know that respect is necessary, murder is wrong, and that your parents should be honoured.
I say all these things as observations. There is the other side of the spectrum, where children are over patrolled. I know such a case, where the rules and regulations of this poor child are akin to the third reich. I think I was brought up with the right balance. Enough rules to discipline me, but enough freedom to allow me to grow. Too many regulations and totalitarian rule will either lead to rebelling, or complete demise of the child's confidence and will to live. Life is a balancing act. I'm scared to bring a child into the world for this reason, as I know I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. All of your actions directly influence this naive ball of cells. We all have bad days, and I, for one, know that I can be irrational at times. I know no one can be the perfect parent, but I fear that I would balls it up completely. I am understanding, and good at taking an objective view on problems, but with something so much like you, would it be that easy to become void of emotion, and be objective? Emotions do get in the way, and I can understand where these parents are coming from. Those who are too soft don't want to make their balls of cells upset or have them hate them. Those who are too hard don't want their balls of cells straying off onto the wrong path. It's a tough thing to try balance. I suppose all we can do is analyse how our parents brought us up, and try take the positive aspects and improve upon the negative ones....
Right, this rant has gone off on a tangent, as my brain often does. Hopefully next time I will write something more, um...uplifting, with less Nazi Germany references, heh.
Happy Saturday
Posted by kat at 6:43 AM | Comments (0)
March 5, 2008
simply the best?
I have an addiction. It's not your average one. I don't abuse substances, or have any strange fetishes, nor do I enjoy starving myself or overeating. Megalomania is probably the closest thing I can think of, but I am by no means on a quest for power. I like to win. That's the only way I can put it. Now I'm not talking win at everything. I do know that there are some things I simply cannot, for instance, I will never be the thinnest, prettiest, or richest, unless I win the Lotto and have massive amount of reconstructive surgery (which I do find a very small probability).
I want to win at things I know I can. I now know why I have few friends at university. I only make friends with people who are of the same intellect, never anyone who appears brighter than me. I see this as a threat. I suppose it's the same logic as thin people hanging out with fat people, it makes them appear thinner. I hate myself for doing such things, but it's subconscious process
I work with two really great guys in my lab, and I go in at the beginning of a lab session feeling great (as I've more than likely had a tutorial where I have answered all the questions because no one else speaks up, so I appear the best in that class), and leave feeling like a failure and like crying. Now, I am by no means a stupid person, but I still think I am just an average girl who works hard. These guys are naturally clever. They grasp things easily. I, on the otherhand, have to come back from 8 hours at KB, and work an extra 2 to get my head around concepts. I'm not adverse to hard work, but I hate the way I feel so low and on the brink of tears just because someone answered a question before I got it. It makes me think that I am not as quick as they are, and so in the job world, they would get the job before me.
A Post-doc takes us for this session, and she is very intuitive when it comes to people. There was a group of people sitting around me, and she came over to chat, as she does, and they were discussing careers and such. She mentioned how she got 90% in this course (which by UK standards is bloody amazing), but how she only got a 2:1. This brought me down completely. How hard will I have to work to get a first. She sounds very much like me. Bright, but not the best. I immediately assume that I will be in the same position. I doubt I'll get 90% for this course, but I'm sure I'll get an A if I apply myself, but does that mean that I'll also only get a 2:1? I know I can't compare myself to others, but I do notice trends. I so badly want to get a first, and I am willing to put in the hard work, but what happens if hard work isn't enough?
These thoughts were buzzing in my head and obviously showed on my disappointed face. She asked me if everything was ok, and I so badly wanted to ask her "What did you do wrong not to get a first?", but I couldn't, I wouldn't be so rude, but I want to know what I need to do now. Was it really that hard in the final years? I'm so scared right now. I don't know if it's the society I grew up in, or the fact that my brother always seemed to be better than me at school work, but I have it in my head that to be recognised, I must be an A student, and I so badly want to be, but I don't know if I'm capable of continuing like this?
The only time I feel that I don't have to be a high achiever is when I'm with Kyle. It's the one time I don't feel a failure or a disappointment, which I know rationally I'm not, but it does feel like it sometimes. I see people doing better than me and I think to myself "I didn't work hard enough", when I know it probably isn't humanly possible for me to achieve those standards.
I want to be a high-achiever though, I'm like a crack addict that enjoys doing the drugs. I want to continue, and putting me into rehab is not going to do anything. No matter how many times people tell me I don't have to be one, I still get treated differently when I do achieve, people say they are proud, they wouldn't say they were proud if I didn't do well. This is where Kyle is different, he treats me the same whether I found a cure for cancer, or failed my exam, there is no fluctuating attention, he gives me his all, all the time.
It's a hard habit to beat. It's hard not to be critical of myself in everything I do. I want to be the best, I want to win, but it's making me a person I don't want to be. I want to win, but I also want to be happy. When I weigh up the two, the winning outweighs the happiness, and I hate myself more for choosing.
I think I have said as much as I can say on this. I don't have anymore words, neither do I have tears. It's such a struggle sometimes, it feels like a debilitating disease that destroys all rational thought.
Posted by kat at 2:02 PM | Comments (0)