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March 5, 2008
simply the best?
I have an addiction. It's not your average one. I don't abuse substances, or have any strange fetishes, nor do I enjoy starving myself or overeating. Megalomania is probably the closest thing I can think of, but I am by no means on a quest for power. I like to win. That's the only way I can put it. Now I'm not talking win at everything. I do know that there are some things I simply cannot, for instance, I will never be the thinnest, prettiest, or richest, unless I win the Lotto and have massive amount of reconstructive surgery (which I do find a very small probability).
I want to win at things I know I can. I now know why I have few friends at university. I only make friends with people who are of the same intellect, never anyone who appears brighter than me. I see this as a threat. I suppose it's the same logic as thin people hanging out with fat people, it makes them appear thinner. I hate myself for doing such things, but it's subconscious process
I work with two really great guys in my lab, and I go in at the beginning of a lab session feeling great (as I've more than likely had a tutorial where I have answered all the questions because no one else speaks up, so I appear the best in that class), and leave feeling like a failure and like crying. Now, I am by no means a stupid person, but I still think I am just an average girl who works hard. These guys are naturally clever. They grasp things easily. I, on the otherhand, have to come back from 8 hours at KB, and work an extra 2 to get my head around concepts. I'm not adverse to hard work, but I hate the way I feel so low and on the brink of tears just because someone answered a question before I got it. It makes me think that I am not as quick as they are, and so in the job world, they would get the job before me.
A Post-doc takes us for this session, and she is very intuitive when it comes to people. There was a group of people sitting around me, and she came over to chat, as she does, and they were discussing careers and such. She mentioned how she got 90% in this course (which by UK standards is bloody amazing), but how she only got a 2:1. This brought me down completely. How hard will I have to work to get a first. She sounds very much like me. Bright, but not the best. I immediately assume that I will be in the same position. I doubt I'll get 90% for this course, but I'm sure I'll get an A if I apply myself, but does that mean that I'll also only get a 2:1? I know I can't compare myself to others, but I do notice trends. I so badly want to get a first, and I am willing to put in the hard work, but what happens if hard work isn't enough?
These thoughts were buzzing in my head and obviously showed on my disappointed face. She asked me if everything was ok, and I so badly wanted to ask her "What did you do wrong not to get a first?", but I couldn't, I wouldn't be so rude, but I want to know what I need to do now. Was it really that hard in the final years? I'm so scared right now. I don't know if it's the society I grew up in, or the fact that my brother always seemed to be better than me at school work, but I have it in my head that to be recognised, I must be an A student, and I so badly want to be, but I don't know if I'm capable of continuing like this?
The only time I feel that I don't have to be a high achiever is when I'm with Kyle. It's the one time I don't feel a failure or a disappointment, which I know rationally I'm not, but it does feel like it sometimes. I see people doing better than me and I think to myself "I didn't work hard enough", when I know it probably isn't humanly possible for me to achieve those standards.
I want to be a high-achiever though, I'm like a crack addict that enjoys doing the drugs. I want to continue, and putting me into rehab is not going to do anything. No matter how many times people tell me I don't have to be one, I still get treated differently when I do achieve, people say they are proud, they wouldn't say they were proud if I didn't do well. This is where Kyle is different, he treats me the same whether I found a cure for cancer, or failed my exam, there is no fluctuating attention, he gives me his all, all the time.
It's a hard habit to beat. It's hard not to be critical of myself in everything I do. I want to be the best, I want to win, but it's making me a person I don't want to be. I want to win, but I also want to be happy. When I weigh up the two, the winning outweighs the happiness, and I hate myself more for choosing.
I think I have said as much as I can say on this. I don't have anymore words, neither do I have tears. It's such a struggle sometimes, it feels like a debilitating disease that destroys all rational thought.
Posted by kat at March 5, 2008 2:02 PM
