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August 16, 2008
Freedom?
So, I finished my last day at work yesterday, however I don't have that feeling of "Yay". It's odd, right now I just feel like being alone, but around people. I'm not very good with relationships, I think I'm far too selfish, I want to do my own thing in my own time. Working at the bank kind of allowed me that. I was "alone", yet I had all these people around me, which would lift my mood. As soon as I got home, however, I would crash down from the high. I thought that I was just drained from the people when I came home and had no energy for Kyle, but it seems that it wasn't whether I had the energy or not, but rather whether I felt like giving it. Don't get me wrong, I love the boy to bits, but right now in my life I need some alone time. I'm lucky to have someone as understanding as him, who does give me my space, and I am always grateful, but it bothers me a bit that I should feel this way towards him.
He knows if I'm not feeling 100% and respects that I sometimes need that time to just sit and watch tv and let my mind go numb, which does sometimes feel odd that he is that flexible of his time, and will never protest against what I want to do, even if it means he doesn't get to speak to me for more than an hour in a day.
I fly off on Tuesday to spend a month with him, and I'm sure things will go fine with us, as it is always different when we are together. I think the problem lies in the fact that he's not the greatest conversationalist, and I am a lazy one. I prefer people to start a topic, I don't often bring up things and would rather sit in silence than think of something to chat about. I'm not one to chat about how the day went either, unless something super exciting happened, like I was beamed up by aliens. When we are together there are things we can do that don't involve talking. I'm looking forward to going biking a lot, and am so happy that I have a partner who likes to do outdoorsy things too. I also like doing my crosswords and such, which I like to do in his company. The poor thing has to start uni shortly after I arrive, so there'll be plenty of study/crossword sessions.
I think the thing I'm most frustrated about now is that I'm getting bored of this long distance thing. It's not so much boring as an inconvenience. I have so many other things to worry about right now - uni, money, my career - and this is just one more thing that I have to work through, and I can't be bothered.
How I'm feeling right now is not a true reflection on our relationship. Lately I have been picking fights and such, and I know that no relationship is perfect, and that we will work things through. I'm scared that I'll do some permanent damage, but in another sense I just can't help myself. There is only so much variation one can have across an ocean, and I suppose my subconscious wants something more, and so is trying to liven things up by having a debate, which often ends in me saying things I don't mean just to get a reaction. It's a funny thing, the human mind.
I think I have sufficiently spilled my guts, and hopefully that'll clear the air a bit. These past few months have been tough, but I know we'll work things out, we have too much to lose. We've invested so much time, energy and sacrifice into this for it not to work. Right now it's just a rough patch, and I'm hoping this month will help to change things. I know things will never go back to the way they were, but I'm hoping we'll create some solid memories, that don't involve theft, kidney infections, or family feuds. I always have a great time when I'm around him, I think I cried for about 30 min into his shoulder at the airport last time, which is saying something I suppose.
And if Kyle is reading this: I still love you, you know I could never not. I can't wait to get there to sort things out. Only 3 more sleeps.
Posted by kat at 11:31 AM | Comments (0)